If I Won The Lottery…

Now that the euromillions runs twice a week and I’m forking out almost £40 a week on that and the normal lottery, I feel that I’m due a great big dirty win. The record amount won by someone in the UK was £113million.

Which, I feel, is a fair amount for me as well.

Here’s how I’d spend it.

1/ Give £13million to Norwich City FC

(cue jokes about wasting money, etc) I love my club, and always have done. By giving them £13big-ones I’d ensure myself a place on the board, so as to be a voice of the fans.

The money would go to redeveloping some of the ground (it’s already a good stadium, but it needs more seats), buying myself an executive box for life – which I wouldn’t use as I’d be in the Snake Pit with the fans – and then whatever is left will go on players. Scott Parker would be a good start.

2/ Sort the clan out

Houses for my sisters, folks and kids. Big fat trust funds, bonds, savings, whatever is advised by the best financial advisers in the country.

Which I’d then ignore and go and spunk it on…

3/ Toys

Boats, cars, quads, you name it. Anything that I don’t need and don’t want I will buy. A Hummer? Why not. And paint it pink.

My own jet, parked up in Southampton airport so that, whenever I feel like it, I can go and fly to one of my many…

4/ Houses

I’d have one in Canada, somewhere around Victoria. With a helicopter in the garden so I can pop out to Calgary and Vancouver. I fucking love Canada. I’d buy a pet bear and let it roam free in the garden. Just because I can.

I’d have a home in Italy, too. A great big villa in the north, with acres of vineyards where Jose will make shit-loads of wine. Jose is Spanish. I’m not sure what he’s doing in Italy. Other than making me wine.

I need a home in the US as well, but I haven’t picked where yet. One around New York, definitely, and one in Chicago for sure. Then I can go and watch the Chicago Bears in every home game.

Rosie Jones

I’d pay for a private photo shoot with Rosie Jones. And by private, I mean she can get butt-naked and let me take pictures. If she feels uncomfortable I’d point at the table next to the camera with enough coinage to make Simon Cowell touch himself.

6/ Sasha Grey

This lady might not do porn anymore but once I whiff the fibre of my monetary fabric under her nose she’ll lay me like a new carpet.

Everyone has their price. I’ll pay whatever hers is.

Incidentally, my price is knocking around the minimum wage mark. Or throw me a quarter pounder and I’m yours.

6/ The Ryde Sandblasters

Excuse me for a moment.

I’d revive my old beach team and make them a force to be reckoned with. We’d tour the world playing football with myself as coach, and a host of ex-professionals flaunting their stuff on the sand.

“Cantona to Maradona… Maradona to Di Canio… Di CANIO TO RUTH… RUTH… RUTH… it’s a throw-in.”

7/ Get that damn book published…

…by finally finishing the damn thing, buying a publishing house, and then publishing it everywhere. If book shops don’t stock it, then I’ll buy them and they’ll do as they are fucking told.

8/ X-box vs PS3

I’d buy every X-box fanboy a lesson in common sense until they actually get some. And a PS3.

9/ Comic

I’d write and release my own comic. Something along the lines of The Walking Dead but without half of the fucking comic being taken up by gushing fanboy letters. I don’t buy porn to read the smutty stories, and I don’t want half my comic to be a fucking letters page.

I used to write comics as a youngster, into my teens, and I think I was getting somewhere at one point. Then I got drunk a lot.

10/ Tattoos

I probably need a couple more. I have some bare skin. Somewhere.

A zombie-sleeve by Dan Gold, then I’d travel the world getting inked by the best tattooists out there.

11/ The Sopranos

Ok, ok, I get the ending, but it’s still a little flat. I’d commission a one-off special just so we find out what exactly happens.

And if the guy at the counter is a shooter…

12/ You can add another episode of Lost to that as well.

—————————————————————————————————

A couple of you that know me might wonder why I haven’t added ‘Buy Shitloads of Porn’ to the list. It’s because I actually own every fucking magazine and dvd ever made. Fact.

That’s all I can think of for now. I probably should add that if I did really win all that cash then I’d probably be dead within a week, via an explosion of Charlie Sheen-like proportions.

Death by pornstars.

I’d take that.

Now, let me know what you’d do with a big win. Go on, blog it. (I’m looking at you Roy Radventurer).

10 thoughts on “If I Won The Lottery…”

I would buy the world a coke and a smile, also myself a big assed mansion. (Lie, I’d be sensible and give a ton to charity because knowing how down down is it seems only proper)

When can I collect my PS3?

Jody Ruth

May 21, 2011 at 7:07 am

In that case I am setting up a charity.

And the PS3 will be here waiting when I win the lottery.

Reply

Alright, dude. I can sink my teeth into this one. I’ll have a more comprehensive response within the next day or so, but I thought I’d start out by addressing a few of your planned expenditures.

1. You and I are pretty much homeboys, right? That being the case, I feel like we’ve gotten to know each other well enough to fuck with each other. What better way to fuck with your brother from another English mother than to tinker with the roster of his favorite football team? Thus, I guess my first priority will be to sink £20million into Norwich City, FC, which I will use to populate the team entirely with players from the United States. That should ensure a healthy stint at the bottom of the standings for a few years. On a positive note, I’ll set aside some extra money so you can have that luxury box you discussed.

2. I really dig your idea of buying a pet bear, just because you can. I might suggest picking up a few pumas as well. Perhaps your Spanish friend can mind the pets in Canada when he’s not tending to your vineyards in Italy.

3. Did I miss the part where you mentioned sinking some money into creating your own microbrewery? I even have suggestions for your first two brews. “RADventures Pale Ale: where the ale is as pale as RAD’s pasty complexion, and just as delicious.” And for the ladies, we have “Jody’s Jungle Jizz Juice: a squeeze of lemon will be just the thing to complement the subtle saltiness of this delightful pilsner. Each bottle contains at least one drop of seminal fluid from Jody himself. Ladies, grab a six-pack of Jody’s Jizz Juice tonight!” This idea cannot lose.

4. Recently, I was at a thrift store. Wandering aimlessly, I happened upon the footwear section. There, I saw a snazzy looking pair of shoes. I thought, “Gosh, those shoes sure do look sharp. They also look extraordinarily broken in and comfortable. Should I get them?” Then, I started thinking, “You know, I have no idea who these shoes belonged to before they ended up here. Sure, they look fine enough, and they appear to be only gently used, but how many times have a sweaty, athlete’s foot crusted pair of malodorous feet graced the insides of these shoes? Who knows how many guys have actually worn these shoes? Sure, they smell okay now, but without the scent of foot powder to mask the ground in odors, what will they smell like?” Ultimately, I got so skeeved out, I put the shoes down and walked away, trembling slightly at my near disastrous purchase.

And with that anecdote, you now have a pretty clear image about what it would be like to shack up with Sasha Grey. No question she’s hot, but how do you hit that without thinking, “Man…that rectum has entertained a whole lot of dongs?” I’m not typically squeamish, but contending with the Ghost of Penises Past is a bit much. If you choose this option, be strong, my friend.

To be continued…

I feel that I should address your response with bullet points. I like to live on the edge.

bullet point 1: We have had such a team full of Americans over past history. They are called Fulham FC and have Clint Dempsey and… er… someone else I’m sure. My fair Norwich actually have Zac Whitebread who is a yank, so the foundations are strong for your premise.

bullet point 2: Don’t fuck with Jose.

bullet point 3: Your suggestion of Roy’s Pale Ale and Jode’s Jizz Juice makes me thirsty… thirsty for wealth!! And semen, strangely.

bullet point 4: You seem to forget that Ms Grey might be thinking “Man… how many rectums has that dong entertained?”.

I await your further blog/response.

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As promised, here’s my continued response…shouldn’t be anything there that you violently disagree with…http://wp.me/pNVsT-bd

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