Ok, let me explain. I don’t want to be a rotting, smelling, degenerative rising from the grave (although 2 out of 3 isn’t bad) but I want to be a zombie.

Ok, that doesn’t really explain it, but if you’ve read my previous blogs (the one on ambition) you won’t have noticed a glaring omission from my list of ‘things to do before I die’. I stated that I wanted to get my HGV licence (done), go to Canada (3 weeks time), run my own business (kinda there now), and write a book (in progress). What I missed out and can’t believe I forgot at the time was that I want to be a zombie.

In a film.

Since I was a kid I’ve loved horror films. Loved them. It started with Hammer Horror before progressing onto the hardcore stuff like Alien, The Shining, et al, before I found Him. The Great Man Himself.

George Romero.

I gotta admit, I can appreciate how good Night of the Living Dead was for it’s time, but it was the original Dawn of The Dead that hooked me. I didn’t understand Romero’s stand on consumerism at the time, but I just knew that it was a fucking meaty (pun intended) horror film, and thus my love for the undead was born…

So, thru the years I bought any old zombie film I could on vhs. Some were great, awesome films. Others sucked like a two-bit hooker… but still I liked them. A bit like two-bit hookers, I guess.

As I’ve grown older my collection has expanded, and with the wonders of region-free dvd players I can cast my net far and wide and pull in zed-flicks from other countries. I strongly recommend Severed (aka Forest of the Dead) if you can track one down. I can strongly NOT recommend Tokyo Zombie from… well… Tokyo.

And all the while watching these films I’d completely lose myself in their worlds. The book I started writing years ago is zombie-based and WILL one day see the light of day. I know it’s good enough. I’ve also another project in the works… but more about that at a later date…

I really missed the boat on Shaun of the Dead where the production crew cast the zombies from the fans of the creators TV series Spaced. That could’ve been my break! Curse my fashionable lateness to all things cool…

I digress. I want to be a zombie. I want to be a zombie extra in a film. Fuck it, I want it so bad give me the lead zombie role and I’ll literally chew the scenery/cast to the best of my ability. I don’t care if it’s mainstream or an independent film, but I want in. Surely one of my many friends reading this, or anyone who’s wandered in must know of someone who can help?

Other than that I can only figure out a few ways of achieving this ambition on my Jack Jones.

1/ Make my own film… not really economically viable…

2/ Write the damn book, get it bought by a film company and have a clause in the contract stating that I get my undead ass on the big screen… this is probably my best bet at the moment…

or 3/ find someone making a zombie film and get myself involved!

Sure, I know a couple of guys from college who now make films, but they’re not making zombie ones!! I want to get covered in make-up and blood, moan like a… a… two-bit hooker and eat someone! (not unlike aforementioned hooker)

Can any of you help? I don’t care where I have to go, or who I have to eat. I am your undead whore! Jeez, I don’t even need paying, and I assume food is supplied – either alive or dead?

And think of the benefits – free publicity thru my radio show, all over my FB and Twitter pages and thru the Power of My Blog (said like He-Man raising his sword), which is taking off pretty well and now averaging over 100 hits per entry and rising fast.

So, scratch my back, and I’ll eat your brains. How’s that for a deal?

C’mon, help an undead brother out? Cos if you don’t there’s only one thing left for me to try.

Zombie porn.

And I’m not too keen on eating some of the meat in those films…