How to Solve the Final Problem at Arsenal

Don’t get me wrong, the foundations and background work at Arsenal is complete. Impeccable. Arsene Wenger has built a great club out of a very good one and the man is a genius. The Arsenal fans baying for his blood need to realise what he has achieved.

BUT, he has missed the ball over the last few years by not strengthening the team in the appropriate areas.

Here, Arsene, let me show you where you should strengthen the team:

GOALKEEPER

Even a mentally slow, backward bipolar monkey has known that this has been Wenger’s weakspot for the last few years, and it is probably the main reason that no new shiny trophy sits in the cabinet.

Now, I have the solution guy for this position, but some of you are not gonna like it.

Step forward Rob Green.

I know, I know, it sounds like I’ve taken leave of my senses, but hear me out.

Robert Green is a good goalkeeper. If you pebble-dashed any keeper in the world with the number of shots that this boy has had to contend with they’d ALL make high profile mistakes. Seriously, stick Reina in goal and he’d look as nervy.

Green makes great saves in every game, but – as with all keepers – it’s his faults that are highlighted.

“But wait!” I hear you cry. “The defense can’t defend anyway so he’ll be just as prone to fuck-ups!”

Which leads me nicely into…

CHERNO SAMBA

Take a look at this brute. He looks like he should be fighting lions in a Roman Colosseum. He’s bigger, harder and blacker than Sol Campbell and would go through attackers like shit through a goose. Plus he terrorises the hell out of defences when he goes up for corners. Stick him in front of Green and the spine is starting to take shape…

Let’s shore up midfield a little with…

Scott Parker

Although, like Green, he’s English and over the age of twelve so Wenger won’t buy him.

Hugo Rodallega

How many goals did he get for Wigan this season? Was it 10? Imagine what the moody, stringy-haired bugger could do in a team that creates more chances than a teenager armed with rohypnol at an under 18s disco.

So, there you have it Arsene. Sign that lot up and watch the trophies roll in.

Right, I’m off to see if this shit will finally get me Freshly Fucking Pressed.

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Club vs Country – Engage Rant.

Do you remember the good old days where players actually liked/loved playing for their country? The days when Bryan Robson, Gazza, Shearer, Lineker, Shilton, Pearce among others actually jumped with joy and passion  when they scored or won a game?

I recall arguing with a work colleague a few years ago as they said that they loved their club football more than their country.

With a cry of “What the fuck?” I then berated him and told him how playing for your country was the greatest honour and privilege that a player could be given.

My colleague stood fast and we agreed to disagree.

Fast forward a few years and I find that he is right. If there’s a friendly on TV I just don’t give a damn anymore. If it’s a World Cup or qualifying match then it piques my interest for a short time until I watch, realise that we’re still shit and that the players don’t care, and watch something else instead.

NOT us in the LA Bowl

I remember the days we used to pile in the LA Bowl, dressed in all our England finery, face-painted and pissed, and wrecking the place when we celebrated won World Cup/Euro games… and wrecked it even more if we lost.

But back then fans had the passion – they cared.

Now who gives a damn when the players can’t even be bothered to show up. Today Fulham’s reserve keeper was called up to the senior squad (although he has had to decline as he is getting married the day before!) because Rob Green, Paul Robinson, and Ben Foster have all ‘retired’ from international football because they each believe they should be our country’s number one… despite all having proven themselves as shite on occasion and not a patch on Joe Hart.

As it happens, David Stockdale has pulled out (because of said wedding) and Rob Green has been called up as a replacement, even though he said he’d never play for England again! Does he expect to get in ahead of Joe Hart? Will he retire straight after again in a piss?

And to think, I used to love Rob Green as a Norwich player.

As per usual, I digress.

Where is the passion? Steve Coppell once said he would walk to wherever it was England were playing if they needed him, and I don’t recall Stuart Pearce ever not turning up for duty. Hell, the guy broke his leg against Watford while playing for West Ham and was only kept from playing on by the physio!

I fucking love Stuart Pearce.

The greatest living Englishman ever.

And then you have Wenger, Ferguson, et al, moaning that the players are too tired after a loooong season. Fuck off and do one. Giovanni Trapattoni said in an interview today that he used to play 70+ games EVERY season and they didn’t have the diets, fitness regimes or lifestyles that the pampered players have now. He also said that the life of a professional footballer was just like going on holiday… for your whole life.

You can also point the finger at the ludicrous wages paid now, or there’s also the fact that the Champions League is more important than national teams.

Before you scoff at that, the point was made on TalkSport today… and not one person called in to disagree.

Now, I’m 35, unfit and have as much skill as a club-footed dwarf, but I’d still give my all for my country in a game.

Unless my boss says otherwise.

Or I’m feeling a little too tired after a long season at work.

Or I retire.

End rant.