The Day I Became A Zombie

It was cold, there was snow on the ground and I was covered in blood. Not my usual Sunday morning antics… but not far off. As I stood there losing the feeling in my toes I tried to recall the events that had led me to a field in Frensham, in the Surrey Hills.

I've looked worse...

If you cast your mind (and mouse click) back to September of last year (2010) you may remember that I wrote a blog about wanting to become a zombie in a film, well with almost three months to the day of publishing that blog it happened.

It all came about because our old family friend Liam Kealy had read my blog and then seen an article on the South Today programme about a film crew needing extras as zombies in a scene they were about to shoot for a film called The Zombie Diaries 2: World of The Dead.

Commenting on my blog, Liam left the email address for the film and so I contacted them, firing off the email late on a Friday night and forgetting all about it.

I received a reply early the next evening, and in the email they asked if I would be available for filming the next day at 10am – a little over 12 hours away! I honestly thought that the filming would have been the next year, or at least had some more warning! I debated what to do, thinking it may be a little late to get off of work, and I also had no car as I had just sold mine.

The zombies gathering

So, I did what I do in most situations like this and rang my boss, Andy. Within five minutes I had the next day off and his Chrysler parked outside. Result.

The next morning I woke up early, packed a bag with some spare clothes and opened my front door… to what was possibly the coldest day in living history. Well, at 7am on a Sunday morning it certainly felt like it.

The Chrysler’s heated seats were flicked into full effect and I was at the Fishbourne ferry terminal in under ten minutes thanks to the quiet time of morning. I had a quick doze in the car on the way over; the heated seat warming me a treat… until I got to the other side and the car wouldn’t start as I’d run the battery down.

Five minutes later and – thanks to the helpful staff and a jump start – I was onto the mainland roads and heading an hour and a bit up the A3 to Surrey. I leave my car at Liam’s and he runs me half an hour down the road to my destination.

A field of the dead...

The rendezvous point was the Best Western Hotel at Frensham Pond. In Frensham. Next to a big pond. A big frozen pond. Complete with ‘DANGER!’ sign… by which a man was taking photographs of his child stood on the ice next to it. Twat.

In the hotel and I’m already starting to pass people with made-up faces, a handful in heavy prosthetic make-up complete with laceration marks and lots of blood.

I am ushered upstairs into the ‘Green Room’ which isn’t green at all, but it is where everyone is getting their make-up applied. I sit patiently and score big when selected by the hot make-up artist… but do you know how hard it is to chat up a beautiful girl when she’s putting make-up on/around your mouth?

Once we are all made-up we stand outside where around thirty zombies are puffing away on cigarettes. Many of us are in ripped and/or ruined clothes, and I’m thankful that I look like a zombie-bum, complete with beanie hat and body warmer. I might be dead, but I’m not cold… unlike the mere slip of a girl stood next to me who is wearing a thin top and leggings and shivering slightly. I am about to offer her one of my three tops when she mentions that’s she’s training to become a police woman so instead I let her freeze.

Final touches of make-up

Half an hour later and we’re walking in staggered mobs to the field where shooting will commence. I am in the second group and arrive to find the first gang already in position. Our ‘team’ is herded up a slope and we’re told to spread out and when the main cast run past us we have to start our shambling walk towards them.

Sounds easy enough. And it was. What was difficult was standing around for hours on end between takes as the cold and snow started to creep into shoes and socks. I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me and soon we were all chatting merrily.

The talk soon turns to food, as everyone is starving. Have you any idea how hard it is to eat a Mars Bar hidden up your sleeve while surrounded by dozens of people who are all hungry? Plus these people also look hungry enough to eat flesh…

The scene involves four military personnel running through the field and past our three batches of zombies; each group turning toward the sound of gun fire and advancing on them. As they rush past we follow them, which takes us through a patch of bracken, causing two people to fall on their faces, and one young lad was so determined not to ruin the scene he stayed in ‘character’ all the way down, even writhing around in the dirt and snow as one of the undead!

The fake blood was AWFUL to get out of my beard!

His effort is commendable, but once he hits the floor all that could be heard in our group is smothered laughter. Luckily I stuff a last bit of chocolate in my gob to keep me quiet and soon we are back in positions for another take.

“I wish we were getting paid for this,” I speak my thoughts a little louder than I intended.

A guy ten foot in front of me turns round and says; “We are. The release form you signed at the beginning states that we all get paid a pound… and that pound is kept for tea and biscuits.”

“What the…?” I protest loudly. “I never got tea and biscuits!”

And a lonely voice echoed through the glade, from a man that still remains nameless and faceless to me even now.

“Don’t worry mate,” he cried, “I had them for you!”

Which caused almost as much snickering as the zombie-fall-guy did.

Is that Peter Sutcliffe carrying the bucket...?

The filming continues and we do around four or five takes in total. For some reason I thought we might have had to do 30 or 40 attempts, but I guess I’ve been studying the films of Stanley Kubrick for too many years.

Eventually everything is ‘a wrap’, and the man-made mist has thinned out enough for us to stop, (Note: the man-made mist involved a bucket, leaves and sticks, a flame, and was carried out by a man who looked like the Yorkshire Ripper. See photo) but not until all 250(ish) of us have stood in a field and had several photos of our ‘tribe’ taken. I’m hoping one of these might end up on the website or dvd, as I’m not overly certain my 1 second of fame was caught on camera. (Note: You can see me in the final film!! But only just in the top right hand corner as the troops are hunkered down in a hole.)

Still, I have plenty of photos and I can now tick off the ‘be a zombie extra’ of my list of Thing To Do Before I Die. I’m proud of having done it, and it gave me an insight into an industry I’ve studied and watched for almost all my life.

And how many people can point to a film among their DVD collection and say…

“I was in that.”

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Ryan Dunn: June 11, 1977 – June 20, 2011

I’m supposed to be blogging about my book, as well as being in the middle of a blog with the International Mix Train Collective, but the death of Ryan Dunn has thrown me out of sorts.

Ok, so I didn’t know him personally, and plenty of my favourite actors/singers/heroes die… a little too regularly it seems these days… but Ryan Dunn and the Jackass crew are infused in my DNA, along with many of my friends.

Jackass started in 2000 when I was living with one of my best friends Levi Leppard. Our place was the party place, and among our idiots/friends we could count Mat Carrington, Andrew Durrell, and Ian Reed among others. One day Levi and I were watching TV when we stumbled across a bunch of idiots purposely hurting themselves in the name of… ‘entertainment’. We even recognised some of the cast from an old battered VHS copy of Camp Kill Yourself that we had almost watched to oblivion.

We were hooked, and their influence started to rub off on us. We were nowhere near as wild, but we had a lot of laughs inspired by Jackass; car aerial whips, eating strange shit, pushing Levi off of stairs which fucked his back up and put him in hospital… *ahem*…

We may have all gone our seperate ways over the years, but we all stay in touch, and when news of Ryan Dunn’s death broke suddenly there was a flurry of messages and phonecalls between our old gang. There was a lot of disbelief.

Dunn was a year younger than me when his Porsche 911 GT3 left the road in West Goshen, Pennsylvania, and hit a tree before bursting into flames, killing him and his friend Zach Hartwell.

Dunn brands Bam as Knoxville holds on

Ryan Dunn was 34 years old.

I first saw the news when I flicked through my facebook wall and saw my friend Jaymee Blundell had simply posted ‘RIP Ryan Dunn xxxx’.

‘Oh, no,’ I thought before googling him and finding it was true. A quick call to Levi (who was at work and couldn’t answer) and I was sat there with my head in my hands.

Sure, it sounds a little melodramatic, but Dunn, Margera, Knoxville, England, DiCamillo, et al, were mainstays in my life for years. Jesus, I named my youngest son Bam after finding out his mum was pregnant just after we started watching the Viva La Bam dvds.

The years passed and the series became more infrequent and more offshoots, yet still we watched – even/especially the films like Haggard in which Dunn took the lead role in a spin on his own heart-broken love life.

Throw in Bam’s Unholy Unionand the last 11 years of my life have consisted of watching

The last photo Dunn posted to Twitter

these young idiots grow, get hurt, get married, and get their hearts broken. Jackass/Viva are also the only programmes/films I’ve ever watched that have made me genuinely cry laughing, so I have a lot of emotional attachment with all those involved.

Jackass 3 was also released recently and I made my daughter watch it with me as she had never seen any of the films or series before. After a few minutes she turned to me and said;

“Dad, I have never heard you laugh so much in all my life.”

I got a bad feeling nothing is ever gonna be as funny again.

Rest in peace, Ryan Dunn.

You are sorely missed.

How to Solve the Final Problem at Arsenal

Don’t get me wrong, the foundations and background work at Arsenal is complete. Impeccable. Arsene Wenger has built a great club out of a very good one and the man is a genius. The Arsenal fans baying for his blood need to realise what he has achieved.

BUT, he has missed the ball over the last few years by not strengthening the team in the appropriate areas.

Here, Arsene, let me show you where you should strengthen the team:

GOALKEEPER

Even a mentally slow, backward bipolar monkey has known that this has been Wenger’s weakspot for the last few years, and it is probably the main reason that no new shiny trophy sits in the cabinet.

Now, I have the solution guy for this position, but some of you are not gonna like it.

Step forward Rob Green.

I know, I know, it sounds like I’ve taken leave of my senses, but hear me out.

Robert Green is a good goalkeeper. If you pebble-dashed any keeper in the world with the number of shots that this boy has had to contend with they’d ALL make high profile mistakes. Seriously, stick Reina in goal and he’d look as nervy.

Green makes great saves in every game, but – as with all keepers – it’s his faults that are highlighted.

“But wait!” I hear you cry. “The defense can’t defend anyway so he’ll be just as prone to fuck-ups!”

Which leads me nicely into…

CHERNO SAMBA

Take a look at this brute. He looks like he should be fighting lions in a Roman Colosseum. He’s bigger, harder and blacker than Sol Campbell and would go through attackers like shit through a goose. Plus he terrorises the hell out of defences when he goes up for corners. Stick him in front of Green and the spine is starting to take shape…

Let’s shore up midfield a little with…

Scott Parker

Although, like Green, he’s English and over the age of twelve so Wenger won’t buy him.

Hugo Rodallega

How many goals did he get for Wigan this season? Was it 10? Imagine what the moody, stringy-haired bugger could do in a team that creates more chances than a teenager armed with rohypnol at an under 18s disco.

So, there you have it Arsene. Sign that lot up and watch the trophies roll in.

Right, I’m off to see if this shit will finally get me Freshly Fucking Pressed.

A Freshly Pressed Conspiracy…?

If you aren’t a regular WordPresser/blogger/reader then you’ll have no idea what ‘Freshly Pressed’ is. Well, let me tell you;

When you first log onto the WordPress site you’re taken to the main page, where you’ll find the days hottest/best blogs; or ‘Freshly Pressed’ if you will.

I’ve been blogging EVERY week this year, as per wordpress’s ‘Post A Week’ challenge. I’ve blogged about about football (UK and US), I’ve blogged about films, books, cheerleaders, sex, and writing books and yet I’ve still not won a seat amongst the Big Boys and Girls of the Freshly Pressed Crew.

Can anyone tell me where I’m going wrong? Do I need to encase some full frontal nudity on my pages? Or am I just too uncool for school.

Are there any Freshly Pressed…ers out there who can reveal their secrets to me and help me spread the Word of Jode?

Or maybe that’s the problem… maybe there’s a conspiracy to stop the spread of the Word of Jode…

Stylish Blogger Award

This week I was nominated for the Stylish Blogger Award by my good friend and partner-in-crime, Marni Mann.  The aim for the award is to recognise those who blog and blog well, with a good layout and humorous/interesting/factual blogs. I’m not sure which one of these things Marni has recognised in my dumb ass, but thanks anyway, Marni!

Marni’s awesome, and we’re all just waiting on the publication of her forthcoming book Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales – a book about addiction. You can find out more on her website and twitter accounts. Or just hang around twitter and watch us flirt outrageously despite the 4000+ miles between us…

Ok, here are the rules to the Stylish Blogger Awards:

  1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.
  2. Share seven random facts about yourself.
  3. Pass the award along to 5 new-found blogging buddies.
  4. Contact the winners to congratulate them.

Seven Random Facts About Yours Truly:

1/ I prefer Zach Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead over George Romero’s version. Blasphemy-ahoy!

2/ I’m 35 years old and love the film Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

3/ It took me until my fourth attempt to pass my car driving test, but I nailed my articulated lorry test on the first go and was offered a job by the company later that day!

4/ I didn’t start eating mushrooms until two years ago and now I love them.

5/ As a kid I always preferred Marvel to DC Comics, and still do now. However, I buy more independents these days rather than either of the Big Twos’ comics. Geek me.

6/ I still think Dire Straits rock.

7/ I’m so good at Motorstorm on the PS3 they once showed my races on TV. Mind you, most of the guys I went up against pasted me…

And now for my nominees: (click on name to see their blog)

1/ Kevin Crew: I’ve mentioned him in previous blogs (as I will the next two or three names) and he is new to blogging, but very fresh with great lyrical skill and adorns his blogs with more than enough pictures to please the eye. Check him out.

2/ If I mention Roy DeWinkeleer and his blog anymore then people are gonna start to think we got something going on. Imagine that, though… the bastard child of Roy and I… it would either be utterly brilliant… or shot at birth.

3/ Derek Haines‘ blogs are something I have only just come across, which is naughty of me

Derek Haines

as I have been following him on twitter for a while now. Bad Jode. His latest offering is about childhood aspirations compared to what we have at our fingertips/wrists right now. Go check him out.

4/ This nomination is a little awkward to pull off. Night Shade Books are a publishing house that host a group blog written by a collection of their authors all releasing works this year. I couldn’t well name all of them so I’ve plumped for John Hornor Jacobs as his upcoming book ‘Southern Gods’ appeals to me with it’s ‘selling your soul to the devil’ vibe. As I have already done so myself.

5/ Another new guy and aspiring author trying to juggle Real Life against The Book – John Hardy Bell. Read his latest blog about struggling to get words on paper as work/life/etc all get in the way. John is a new friend of mine on twitter, but we seem to be having the same hardships getting The Book up and out there. Hopefully bouncing our blogs and tweets off of each other will gee us both up! I’ll race you, John!

That’s your lot this week, but hopefully the above bloggers/authors will give you plenty to digest until I can cobble together next weeks missive. You can also find all of the above authors in my blogroll down the right hand side of my page.