Monthly Archives: April 2011

Dear hay fever, fuck off.

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Me as a little boy.

I remember the first time I got/caught/was struck down by the dreaded flowery disease. I was 8 years old and at Mayfield Middle School here on the Isle of Wight. The field around the school is huge, especially if you’re pumping around on legs the same size as a small dog.

There was a ditch that ran along the edge of the field, and my idiot mates and I were chasing each other, jumping up and out of the ditch or lying down in it, hoping we wouldn’t be seen by the kid stood over us looking straight at us, all of two feet away.

I waited until it was safe to run for the cover of ‘the tree’ – that hallowed safe haven of all young boys in a field – and, my finely tuned child senses telling me so, I ran for it.

I leapt from the ditch as high as my little legs would carry me… which was halfway up the bank… of the three foot high ditch… and as I set my first foot down to freedom I issued a deep manly, 8 year olds’ laugh.

Instead, something caught in the back of my throat and I started to cough. And sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze.

I thought I was actually choking and became very scared and frightened, to such an extent that the other kids started to only kick me and pull at my clothes instead of helping me to safety.

Fortunately, one child paused between shoeings as he realised I was in trouble. With one more swift kick he ran off to fetch help… which turned out to be the dinner lady.

No, I have no idea why someone who had just served me lunch was now storming thunder-thigh-esque across the field with ground-shaking strides. If I wasn’t scared before I’d pretty much shit my pants by now.

She scooped me up in an arm that would have made a builder jealous and carried me like a sack of sugar towards the shelter of Mayfield Middle Church of England School. Obviously, we were both panicked and my Darth Vader like breathing gave us cause for concern.

She set me down in the matron’s office, which was about as big as the crapper in my flat today, and the nurse was soon pulling and poking at me; squeezing my chest and stomach. For a horrifying second I thought she was going to ask me to cough and drop. Again.

My mum was there in a flash in the way that only a panicking, distraught mother could be there, but as soon as my flustered Ma burst into the matron’s office (security was graded as ‘fuck all’ when I were at school) the nurse turned to her and said, “Don’t worry, it’s only a little hayfever.”

Looking back, I should have said; “‘Just a little hayfever’? I’m fucking dying here, woman! I want a second opinion! Get me a real doctor you fuck monkey!”

But instead, I looked up with watery eyes at my mum, who patted her chest, let out an audible ‘phew’ and then closed with ‘is that all? Thank goodness!’

Again, I wanted that second opinion.

As it turns out it was ‘just hayfever’, but – as anyone that suffers from it will tell you – it can be an absolute fuckfest of a thing to suffer with.

Ok, ok, there are worse things to suffer from, but currently almost ONE QUARTER of the UK’s population suffer from it, with sales of antihistamines, eye drops, and other such remedies raking in BILLIONS every year. Plus it’s also my blog so I’ll write about whatever I want!

Allergic rhinitis is an allergic inflammation of the nasal airways, so says Wiki. I can honestly say that I’ve always got a tissue in my pocket, or eyedrops stored somewhere and my sunglasses are a given, usually ALL year round as I can suffer in any bright sky, be it blue or grey.

But I’m not about to educate you on the problems of hayfever. I just wanted to tell you the story of when I first got it as I remember it as clear as a bell… strangely, I’ve no fucking idea what I had for breakfast this morning.

Plus I wanted to give people chance to comment below and leave any remedies they’ve tried and found successful so that us other sufferers can try them and see if we can end our teary-eyed pain!

And we never get the sympathy we deserve, either.

In fact, my own daughter has just started getting hayfever. But she won’t use eye drops as it fucks with her mascara.

And she wonders why I’m unsympathetic.

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South Parade Pier Tattoo Extravaganza 2011

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I first met Reno Sammut back at the Brighton Tattoo Convention (see my blog about it)  in April, when I was getting inked by Dan Gold. He was chatting to Dan about a new convention he was setting up, and – as I was a bit of a captive listener – I couldn’t help but join in the chat when I found out that it was literally over the water from my home on the Isle of Wight!

Fast forward three months and once again I’m convention-bound. It’s not a long trip, as I’m on the 10p.15am Hovercraft, then a taxi, then I’m outside the Gaiety Suite entrance of South Parade Pier. This is the first time a tattoo convention has ever been held on a historic pier!

I am one of the first people to arrive but within minutes there is a queue of us starting to decorate the seafront with our tattoos and chatter.

Once the doors were open we proceeded up a slight incline, passing stalls selling clothes and shoes, and already I’m recognising faces from other conventions that I have attended. A quick couple of ‘hellos’ and it’s time to buy my ticket.

Passing the ticket booth leads you into the main hall which kind of took me by surprise after the tight confines of the Gaiety Suite stalls. There are booths spread out in front and to the left of you, and further away on the right you can clearly see a dance floor and a

Me and Reno

bandstand.

I almost immediately bump into Reno, and with his words; “Dan’sthroughthereouttheback” ringing in my ears’ he’s past me in a flash and into the throng of people, smiling brightly and pumping hands.

I wander past the cubicles, watching as artists from Germany and Austria set up stall to my right, while artists from the UK and the USA adorn my left. I walk up some small steps, make a mental note of where the bar is (through necessity, of course), and head through a short corridor… into another hall.

This one isn’t as big, but it’s not far off, and only now do I begin to realise just how big a convention Reno has created. And I am impressed.

I walk around this smaller set of stalls and pay vague attention to the nameplates above them, as there is only one name I am looking for.

Dan Gold.

The man who created and inked the ‘BAM’ tattoo on my left hand is now going to decorate my right hand with something else that is very dear to my heart.

A zombie.

I find Dan’s booth, but can only see a guy rummaging around under the table wearing a red hoodie and baseball cap. Now, as we all know, Dan Gold wears a suit… and…

It isDan, and instead of looking dapper… he looks comfortable. And when I realise that the

Nice tats.

Coke can on the front of his hoodie reads ‘enjoy Death’ it finally makes me realise that this weekend is going to be relaxed and fun (?!); as it is already for the convention and the tattooists.

We talk briefly about what I want on my hand, as I had suggested either my older boys’ name – Cameron – or I also mentioned that my (fairly) bare right arm was going to become a zombie sleeve.

“Ok,” said Dan, “that’s the direction we may as well go in.”

The next thing I know and I’m in the chair with Dan drawing various lines and squiggles in bright markers all over my hand. I’ll admit that the shapes meant very little to me, but this is how he did BAM so I have complete faith. The artistic eye can clearly see more than the writers’ eye can…

Now, the problem you’ll encounter when being tattooed by one of the most recognisable people in the business, is that every five minutes someone wants a piece of Mr Gold. He literally IS gold to the people that stop him and ask for photos, autographs and advice. The plus side is that my ugly mug is gonna be in photos all over facebook, as I found out after the Brighton convention!

It takes almost four hours for a two and a half hour tattoo, but I enjoy the experience and don’t complain, and once we’re finished people stop me throughout the rest of the day to talk about my new tat, my BAM tat, and any other tats I have planned! (which I have for next January… a big job by a big name…)

I kill time talking to other convention-goers and taking photos of anyone that will let me, which, at a gathering like this, is everyone!

During my tour a man accidentally clipped the heel of my shoe and we both turned to apologise. He then took a look at my hands and asked if I could follow him quickly for a photograph. He leads me up some stairs along with a couple of other tattooed conventioners he has in tow, and soon all three of us are being photographed for Total Tattoo magazine! Fingers crossed I’ll be in next months issue!

I then slip off to Gunwharf to meet a couple of friends for a vodka before being told by the

Me, Matt Newton and Inman.

bar maid that I might have trouble getting in to their bar later as I have visible tattoos. I refrain from telling her that there are hundreds of people down the road who look like me and may be descending upon her for thirst quenchers later that day.

Nice to know that some peoples’ and establishments’ views are still old-fashioned. Maybe I should introduce them to my 75 year old fellow taxi-driver, George, who has often complimented me on my BAM tattoo. It’s refreshing to know that not everyone’s views are still skewed.

Back to the convention and another walk around and photo-taking session before I catch up with Dan who says we should grab a couple of drinks afterwards.

Actually, his words were ‘Let’s get fucked’, but they carry the same meaning.

The lad I slapped the shoulder of...

Dan still has work to do, so myself and my two good friends, Inman and Matt, go to enjoy the tattooists and bands that fill the pier with the sounds of needles and music, respectively. And if you were watching the band – The Racketeers – you will have seen a half-cut Matt Newton break-dancing on the dance floor, much to the amusement of the lead singer!

Just after this and I see two stunning ladies that I have come across a couple of times that day. I managed to get a few words from one of them before they sauntered off in high heels and short dresses. Next thing I know, the two of them are half-naked on the stage. These girls are the Sweet Harlots. Well done, Reno!

We stop to admire Mr Nu (Thai Tattoo) who has come all the way from Bangkok for the show to show his traditional tattooing methods. Another man who has (literally) come a long way is Lawrenceah Ching – a Samoan tattooist using the stick method. Both men are inundated with requests for tattoos and whenever they work there is a large crowd gathered around them.

One young man had his shoulder tattooed, and – upon seeing him later that night – I forget all about it and give him a hearty slap on the same shoulder in greeting. He winced. I cringed. Then we carried on drinking.

Hannah Aitchison from La Ink and Lal Hardy prove that the convention has pulled out some big guns, but I can safely say that EVERY busy tattoo artist drew a crowd. The throngs of people talked and traded tattoo stories as they watched, and the whole air was one of enjoyment and closeness – something that the larger conventions can lack on occasion.

As a writer covering the show I ask all and sundry how they like their weekend so far and everyone- tattooists, traders, convention-goers alike – are all in agreement that the First Annual South Parade Pier Tattoo Extravaganza has been a big success.

Dan finishes inking some cats on a lady and the bar is hit hard. Soon Reno, Dan, myself and other artists and wristband wearers are all at the bar hitting it hard and drinks are drunk until closing time.

That wasn’t nearly the end of my night, however. But this blog is about the tattoo convention on the pier, not about Jode chewing the fat with Dan in his hotel room, staying in strip clubs for the rest of the night and then finding himself sat in a pole dancers’ lounge at 6am.

That’s another story.

10 Creative Writing Tips to Remember… Apparently.

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So, as a budding writer I took out a subscription to Writing Magazine – a publication which is both brilliant, informative and essential for people such as myself. There was also an incentive to subscribe; aside from getting a copy of the heavyweight Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook 2011, I also received three books to help the aspiring author get started on their career goal.

One of these three books is Get Started In Creative Writing (I’m sure I’ll cover the other two in future blogs). In one of the opening chapters it highlights Ten Things to Remember which I’m going to take and run with in this blog.

1/ Let everyone know you are writing. It will help keep you focused.

Seriously, this is great advice. For 35 years I hid the fact that I loved to write from nearly everyone, but revealing all at the turn of this year in my ‘Gonna Write a Book‘ blog gave me the impetus to go ahead and get on with it.

And you’d be amazed how many people greet me with ‘have you finished the book yet’? It happens nearly every day, which inspires me to get on with it!

2/ Make time to write every day, even if it is only for a few minutes.

Again, great advice, but one that I sometimes find hard to stick to. I write this blog, guest spots for websites, my Open University course work, and various other writery pieces, but putting together a few words of The Book every day eludes me. It doesn’t happen often, and I’m currently 13,500 words in, but I expect to have reached 20,000 by the end of this month.

3/ Use the library to reacquaint yourself with writers you love.

No. I do not do this. I LOVE books, and if I want one I’ll scour ebay or Amazon and buy it. I can’t remember the last time I set foot in a library… which is a poor thing, but if I need to research then the internet is my best friend.

4/ Experiment by reading new writers.

Yeah, I agree with this. But I also discover OLD writers and their styles all the time. For instance, I’ve just read my first A J Cronin book – A Tale of Two Worlds, which is all about a man becoming a surgeon in the 1950s. Might not sound too appealing to some people but I really enjoyed it, and Cronin’s style is very engaging.

The only thing that ruined the book for me was his incessant ranting about god throughout the final two chapters which was completely unnecessary and completely out of character with the rest of a good read.

I’m an atheist and don’t like people forcing religion down my throat at the best of times, so to have it done so unexpectedly after enjoying a good book really kinda threw me.

Plus Cronin basically said that if someone doesn’t believe in god then he is a fool, which really fucked me off. Still, I have another Cronin book to read, so I will see what that holds in store for me…

5/ Read reviews, see what’s out there.

Now, this isn’t exactly something I do do (cue Peter Griffin ‘doo-doo’ gag). I read A LOT, but I tend to skip reviews as I have a ‘to read’ pile so damn big that I’m trying not to get distracted by reviews that will make me buy other books!

I can see why it would help, but it’s not something I adhere to.

6/ Don’t worry about all the time that’s past – it’s what you write now and in the future that counts.

Agree agree agree. I’m 35 and sometimes think that I’m too old to be trying to become a writer, but, writing is a talent and it doesn’t give a damn how old you are. So I manned-up, and here I am.

7/ Copy out a piece of writing you love.

And just hope it isn’t fucking War and Peace.

(PS – No, I didn’t/haven’t/won’t do it, but I can see the benefits. I like to think I’m devising my own style without replicating someone elses’)

8/ Don’t worry about buying expensive laptops or PCs. A pen and a cheap notepad will do.

Amen, brother. You honestly wouldn’t believe me if I told you how many times I’ve bought new pads and pens in small shops, service stations, airports, etc, but it’s true. I have a pen and pad to hand wherever I go, and if I don’t I keep notes on my phone.

9/ Join a writing group if you can.

This I have dabbled with, as I have contacted one on the Isle of Wight, but haven’t joined. If anyone knows anything about them then please contact me!

10/ Don’t write for money. There isn’t any.

Does any REAL writer think they’ll make millions? Other than me? Off of my film/tv/comic tie-ins?

See you at the party at my mansion.

A Writers’ Workload

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Since I decided at the beginning of the year to blog once a week, as well as write a book, I never envisaged just how busy I would get when it comes to pen hitting paper… or finger hitting keyboard…

The beast that is Twitter may be to blame, as Writing Magazine recommended both twitter and blogging as the ideal promotional tools for the aspiring writer, and once ensconced into the social twittering web I started finding like-minded writers at every turn, and soon a vast array of fellow imaginers had entered my world and I was knee-deep in other peoples’ blogs and writers’ promoting their books.

It was – and still is – a lot of fun! I became good friends with a couple of writers (Marni Mann who I have blogged/flash fictioned with) and Jason Tabrys (we started collaborating on a book, but other work projects have distracted us – it will happen, however).

However, once I’d declared my attempts at writing, things seemed to spiral slightly out of control. I started to get requests to help – or work with – other people; complete strangers. I’ve just finished writing for a girl in London who is producing a website for Island talent. My interview was with the hip hop group Born in a Barn, which you can read about in my previous blog. As soon as her website is live I’ll spam it to all and sundry.

A couple of other writers have mentioned collaborating with me on more flash fiction, and Marni and I have teased each other with the possibility of a sequel to our first fare… I’m still inclined to possibly produce it as a short radio play and see if the BBC are interested.

I’m also still knee-deep in my Open University course – Start Writing Fiction. It’s fairly basic, but the more I delved into it, the more and more I am learning. I (stupidly) thought that a lifetime of writing meant I knew exactly what it took to write… but, goddamn, was I wrong! Just ask Marni after she edited my “First 500 Words” blog. That took so much work, learning (on my part), and heavy, heavy editing that at one point – while driving my bus at work – I suddenly wondered what the fuck I was doing and nearly jacked the whole idea of the book in!

But Marni was more than right, it needed some serious polishing… as does the other 13,000 words I’ve written. Not to mention the 250+ pages of handwritten work I’ve already done for The Book!

So, that’s my writers’ workload for the minute; The Book, the course, collaborations, blogging, writing for websites (with a tattoo website having already asked me to cover the Portsmouth Convention for them in two weeks time). I have bitten off a little more than I can chew, so I’m dropping The Book (gasp!) but ONLY for a week. My coursework is due in 7 days time, and after that The Book becomes Priority One again.

So, a blog much ado about nothing, this one. But WordPress challenged it’s users to ‘PostAWeek’ all through this year, and I have done so far.

But, if there’s any consolation I can take from all the work that I’m doing right now, is that when people ask what I do… I used to tell them I was a taxi driver.

Now I tell them I am a writer.